Is This What I Want?

Had been busy with projects, tests, tuitions for the past few weeks...
Finally this 3 days, I had some rest from projects and tests... But, I still have those tuitions....
Hmmm... Being in a relationship is a very difficuit module to learn...
To be in a relationship, is to find happiness...
But, along this path, there's alot of things that makes me sad...
It totally depends on whether I can hold on to it and pass all this barriers...
But, I'm afraid, I can't as I am a person who give up easily....

Fear....

I'm fear..... Fear of the arrival of this evening....
Yesterday midnight, I drank the cough syrup before sleeping cuz I'm having mild sore throat...
Today early in the morning, my dad came in and started scolding me...
But I didn't have the energy to talk to him too much cuz the medicine effect is still theere...
Around 11 plus, my sis called my hp and I got scolded again!
Well.. this time round, I was awaken by her...
I had left a bundle of brand new polo tees at the back of the car....
And she had drove it into our neighboring country....
Gosh... She was so pissed cuz the custom officer wanna tax her on those clothes....
So... No choice but to pay... My fault for leaving the clothes in the boot...
Then, I walked to the kitchen to clarify with my dad what had happened this morning...
My house was on fire becuz of faulty of power socket....
He said that even I was burnt to death, also won't be waken by the fire...
Gosh... I drank medicine, of cuz out of conscious....
Then, I told him about the polo tees that I had left in the boot of the car and had been taxed...
HE STARTED SCOLDING ME AGAIN....
He asked me why I don't want to bring them up to the house, instead I had so much money and wanna it to be tax unnecessarily...
For goodness sake, I'm not the dumb... If I remember, of cuz I will bring them up...
But the problem is, I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT TOTALLY, NOT THAT I PURPOSELY DON'T WANT TO BRING THEM UP!!!!
Haiz... Later around evening time, when my sis comes back to Singapore...
She might be taxed by Singapore Custom... Argh!!!!
I'm worried... Fear... Not becuz of the money that I had to pay her back on the unneccessary tax... BUt, the scolding that I will get....

Stranger....

Went for a total of 5 tuitions today....
I think my illness got from bad to worse...
Headache become so serious that I feel as if I'm floating in the air when I'm walking...
So, met him for dinner after my tuition in Westmall...
I'm so grumpy... and I decided not to have dinner...
Well... I think he got pissed off in the train and said something that hurts me alot...
The moment I heard what he said, I felt that, he suddenly become a stranger to me....
He had misinterpret my words and said it in such a unpleasant way....
Out of a sudden, automatically, I had switched to protective mode....
I tends to fear of talking... Walking closer.... And even looking at him....
While eating my bowl of porridge, I didn't even lift my head up...
After eating, I just feels like hiding myself somewhere....
So, headed back home and we just say good bye at the lift....
I'm still feeling very uncomfortable....
My head is spinning like mad and I had been trying my best to walk normally when with him....
I got home and took the medicine and went down to the clinic again....
After quite awhile while waiting for my turn, I smsed him and told him that I'm at the clinic...
I thought he had already went up the train and headed back home... But NO... He was still somewhere nearby... So, he walked back to the clinic and looked for me...
I tooked the medicine from the clinic and once again, he sent me to the lift, and just say good bye...
My heart sunk....
I realised... I dunno what I want....
I want him to be by my side.. Yet, I dun wan him to waste his time on me....
I want him to care for me... Yet I dun wan him to do so much things for me, feeling that it's not worth it....
First time in this relationship, or should I say, first time in the past 3 years, I had never "transformed" my eyes into the condition like what it is now...
But I know that, he started to get angry at me...
It's time for me to start to prevent myself from dropping tears like now....
It's my fault today...

Past Two Weeks....

More than 2 weeks didn't update my blog...
Since I came back from Tioman, didn't get to rest my mind...
I came back last Wednesday... And my tuition continues again....
Subsequent days, were busy with my uncle thing... He went into hospital...
And passed away on Saturday morning...
So, the whole funeral lasted for 3 days...
Monday morning sent him off to Mandai Cementery...
Since that day, I didn't really feel well...
Monday night, started suffering sore eyes...
Tuesday onwards, gastric feel so uncomfortable....
Keep farting and gastric keeps turning...
Until thursday, I become so restless...
No energy at all...
Then comes friday....
Actually meeting James and gonna go for lunch and dinner...
End up, I kept on diarrhoea-ing and my gastric turn upside down... And kept having the feeling of puking...
James pulled me to consult a doctor... Then I realised, I'm suffering from food poisoning...
I tried backtracking my memory and see what had I ate that caused this....
Hmmm... I think most probably is the sandwich that I bought in the bread shop in CCK station...
The egg taste abit funny... I ate it all becuz, previous few times when I bought the same sandwich and eat, the taste of the egg although abit sour, but, I didn't feel anything after eating...
This time round, my immune system cannot take it le...
Up till now, I still haven't recover at all.. Not even a little...
No one beside me to take care of me... SAD....